The same does not equal attraction

I was recently talking with a friend who was saying she had everything in common with a guy she was seeing but she didn't like him and couldn't figure out why. This type of thing happens a lot. Maybe they did really have a lot in common and it was some other reason why she didn't like him... but this sounds incredibly similar to a situation I had been in a while ago with someone who actually copied me without really knowing it. I would order a drink or something to eat and he would change his mind to get the same thing. He would say he wanted to go to dinner and I said I wanted to go dancing, and he didn't try to find any compromise he just did what I wanted even though he doesn't like dancing. He would state and opinion and I would counter it with a different opinion and he would change his mind and say I was right. It seemed like every time I said something he agreed with it. For a second this may sound like a woman's dream, but it most definitely is NOT. Women are not out there looking for their twin. In fact women would rather have some one stand up to them when necessary and disagree about things then agree with them about everything. You don't want to be one of her girlfriends you want to be her man. One of the fastest ways to kill attraction, and not to mention annoy her, is to be the same as her. The very thing that creates attraction is the polarity of the masculine and the feminine. Ordering the same drinks as someone is pretty extreme but there are more subtle ways of doing the same damage. Of course this doesn't mean you can't have things in common, just that it's counter productive to go out of your way to prove you have similar interests. She is going to find out the truth eventually so why would you want to delay the inevidable and why would you want to be with someone who doesn't like any of the same things you do anyway? Let her wonder about what you have in common a little bit, it's ok to be a bit of a challenge. It's ok to not have everything on the surface in common. Sometimes girls are the most attracted to men who are very different then them because it's something new and interesting they don't know about. Whether they do it consciously or not women test your core to see if you will stand up for yourself and what you believe in. If you always agree with her and do everything the same, you will fail the test thus flipping that attraction switch off very quickly. One of the things that happens when you disagree or stand up for yourself is it creates tension which creates attraction. It shows that you don't need her to like you and you don't need her approval. Usually someone who is trying to be like someone else simply wants their approval, so if you are doing that with women ask yourself if that is what you are looking for. Notice when you find yourself agreeing with something you disagree with or changing your mind all time for a woman or even in a conversation, or not stating your opinion when it differs. Start taking some risks and going outside of your comfort zone with women. I'm not saying go on a disagrement rampage and never think the same as someone again, although you might need to play devil's advocate if you have a severe case of agreement approval seeking. Some take this too far and they play devil's advocate all the time in life and are always disproving everything a woman says. This is also counter productive because it makes you difficult to connect with and even inaccessible and unavailable. As with most things there is a nice balance with starts with being authentic about what you really think and feel.

Thanks,
Jamie

Your head is a dangerous place

This is an email one of my clients sent me after a session of video work we did where we taped an interaction between us: I think it brings up a good topic. (Of course he gave me permission use this as an example)

His email:

Hey Jamie,

There was something else about the way I was coming
across in those practice approaches today that bothered me,
and I wasn't able to put a finger on it until now. Tell me if
you agree with this:

My body language was way too open to you. Your
torso was more or less pointed straight ahead and I was
continuously facing you full on.

Sound right to you?

My reply:

Yes, it all comes from the "needy, trying too hard" way of being... when that shifts the body language, tonality, and overall way of doing things around women will shift. The body language is just another expression of what is going on inside. If what is going on inside is needy so will be the body language. It's quite fascinating. Be aware if you are "trying too hard" at this moment to get this right. Let go of control and attachment to outcome and let it happen. Your body will make the changes, your mind will just get in the way.

What there is to get:

If you want to change your results change how you are being. if you want to know how you are being look at your results. You will always have results consistent with your subconscious programing. If you want to change your results consistently, then you need to shift the way your subconscious says you should be. Simply altering the way you turn your body won't do it unless your subconscious mind gets new programing to be confident and comfortable with yourself. By changing your body language you will become a needy person who does confident things. Now it may work to a certain extent... Girls will be able to sense the in-congruency and "suddenly" not be interested or be uncomfortable around you. Some lucky people are grow up with good subconscious programing about social situations with the opposite sex and others don't. That's just way it is. There are many ways to alter this. What will get in your way with everyone of the tools you can use to change your programing is your logical mind; it will take you around in circles in your head trying to get you out of a problem it created. The problem is it can't. Stop mind masturbating, it's not helping, have you noticed? The majority of clients I've worked with are significantly in their head about what to say and do all the time, constantly trying to figure it out, which just makes it worse. :-) Tough stuff I know! One of the things I like about doing the video work is the subconscious can see what your body is doing that doesn't match up with what you want and when you see what you are really doing in reality the programed/default way of being starts to shift. (Without the help of your overactive mind.) When you are BEING confident, comfortable, and attractive your body language, voice, actions, and mannerisms will match up. This is why two people can say the same thing to woman and one will have fabulous results while the other has none at all. The choice is yours... are you going to keep playing with the hand you got wondering why you're not winning, or are you going to pick the cards you want?

Love,
Jamie

Failure

What must you deal with if you want to change something in your life that you really don't want to deal with? RESULTS. Human beings have an inherent resistance to looking at results. If we are people who are up to big things, why do we resist the world of results? Because we don’t want to confront failure...but if you don’t confront failing aren’t you just left failing? Failure and results go together like water and wet go together. We will avoid failure at all costs, even at the cost of things we love. The definition of failure is the condition or state where a desired outcome is not met. Not so scary... The only problem with failure is we take it personally. This is why most people never get started...never do that thing they always wanted to do...never approach that girl...never start the business... We get so jammed up with taking the failure personally that we don't deal with what we failed at, because we are so caught up in that we failed. We become preoccupied with justifying the failure, and blaming ourselves or other people that we don't just make the simple changes we need to make to have it be a success next time. For example: (I see this with clients all the time) John musters up the courage to walk up and talk to Jill and Jill blows him off. Instead of looking at what he did that didn't work or wasn't effective, seeking some support from someone who could help, or simply just trying a different approach on a different girl, John never approaches an attractive girl again!!! It's crazy if you think about it. Until you alter the context of failure you can’t even start to get into the world of dealing with results. When failure is in a context of enhancing your performance it is an empowering phenomenon. This is more then being optimistic about failure. Failure truly empowers your next success. You must shift the context of failure from being something you take personally to the context of a breakdown in your performance aka you didn’t produce the result you intended. New example: John walks up to talk to Jill and Jill blows him off. Then John thinks about the result he got in his new context of performance, instead of in the context of being a failure and he realizes he was drilling her with questions the whole time which probably made her uncomfortable. Then John approaches again in a new way and doesn't ask questions the whole time... and on and on. Maybe John thinks to himself I should get a coach to help me out with having the results I want because even thought I'm trying new things, nothing seems to be working... and he sends Jamie an email! :-) (I like that option.) You get the point. Give up the view that you are a failure and operate like a results producer or a performer. Look at your favorite sports athlete as an example. Do you think Tiger Woods indulges in feeling bad about himself when he misses a big shot? Does he throw down his driver and say never mind this sport, golf isn't for me and give up? No, he watches the video of his swing and see what was missing that he could put in for next time. So pick up your club and go back out there. What's the worst thing that could happen? She says no, and you have an opportunity to try something new. You can have all of your failures be and opportunity to perform.

In honor of the greatest woman I ever knew...

My Great Grandma died 3 days ago. I wrote this in memory and honor of her.

My Hero is Helen Zlotowski

I have the best Great Grandma in the whole world.
She has been a courageous crusader of love since she was a girl.

She’s lived a life that most would think was hard,
and had experiences that would leave some people a bit jarred.

But she sought the gold in everyone and everything,
and she took care of every bird she found with a broken wing.

Helen was the friend and protector of the group of misfits at school.
She derailed the bullies because she didn't play by their rules.

My Great Grandma believes in a world where no one is left out;
harmony, family, honor and love are what she is about.

Helen is a force to be reckoned with, the woman has passion as hot as fire.
If you think she’ll back down you’ll be surprised if you try her.

Her faith and trust in God is the reason my Grandma, Mom, and I are here today.
Everyone said you’ll never be strong enough to have your baby and she said no way.

In 4th grade we had to write about our role model. Kids picked Michael Jordan, or some other.
For me it was a no brainer, of course my role model is my Great Grandmother.

My Great Grandma was never too old to play a game or fix us peanut butter balls,
no matter what room shes in, she owns those four walls.

She is the rock of our family, that’s just who she is.
I know I speak for all of us when I say she is the hero of her grandkids.

If the people on this planet were like my Great Grandma this would be a different place.
A little dose of Helen would greatly help the human race.

Four foot, eleven inches and 98 years of love and unflinching determination.
She is one of the most committed people with which that I have ever been in relation.

Grandma, I was mad at you for dying, I didn’t ever want you to leave;
Then God told me you’re in a better place now, I just have to believe.

You raised a family who adores you in such a way,
scriptures were being read, hymns being sung, on the night you passed away.

I hear you went out just as feisty as ever,
praying and singing God’s love forever.

If you’re out there listening somewhere, and I think you are;
I miss you, I love you, and I thank you for raising the bar.

There are some large empty shoes here, now that you're gone,
but I want you to know your legacy of strength and courage lives on.

If I live to be 98 I have many years, upwards of 72;
I promise to live a life that is full and big, that makes a difference in honor of you.



To all those who have made such a difference on this planet while they were here.
Jamie

Something must be wrong!

Human beings are always looking for something wrong. Something wrong with themselves, with someone else, and with life in general. The only time something seems right is when nothing is wrong. Then we wonder why no matter how happy we become, it always seems like something is wrong. Then you get two people together who love spending time together, have great chemistry, and compatible personalities; and what do they do? Find something wrong with eachother! It's almost like dating is about who can find something wrong with the other person first. This is simply a human condition, everyone does it. Start to notice how often you look for something wrong.

-Jamie

To pursue or not to pursue?

Do you call right away? Do you wait 3 days? Do you wait for her to text you? Everyone has different advice. You do what works for you. The only rule is there are no rules. It's not always black and white like you want it to be. My take on the whole thing is simple, it varies case by case. Here are some guidelines:

1. Don't be a needy biotch. If you are calling or texting to validate something about yourself, don't do it. You are the only one who can validate yourself. Do it because you like her, you want to make her smile, and you want to.

2. Don't be an eager beaver. You don't need to return her text messages and phone calls within the minute. If you have a lot going on then you won't always be readily available. That's ok. Girls like guys who have lives. If you don't have a lot going on then you might consider getting a hobby...

3. Don't be too cool. She will think you don't like her if you take days to respond when she texts or calls you. If she has more going on she will move on, if she's needy she might like it. What kind of woman do you want?

4. Be authentic. If you want to see her, let her know. If you like her, let her know she is special. Nothing is more attractive than a man who is unapologetic about how he feels WITHOUT BEING NEEDY. Do what is true for you. And be aware that the only difference between a stalker and a boyfriend is she likes one. If she likes you she will like it, if not she will call the cops. I am not responsible if this happens. :-)

5. Read the signs that are in front of your face. If you listen and pay attention a girl will give you all the signs you need to win her over, how fast you should go, and what she is looking for. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, stop being so in your head. There are no signs in there!

6. Pursue her... and be willing to stop at any moment. Every woman wants to be pursued by a man who would be willing to let her go.

And remember the only rule that works every time is there are no rules that work every time. We are talking about people here, not computers. That's why it's so much fun. :-)

Jamie

Choose and Surrender to your Choice

Say you want to find a woman who is sexy, intelligent, and appreciative with a good sense of humor... You'd like her to be outgoing and fun, in her mid twenties, preferably with blonde hair, a plus if she will dress up in a cop outfit and handcuff you to the bed... and she has to like dogs because you have a dog. (I know some of your would settle for a woman who does not wear plus size clothing and returns your calls, but lets just say this is your example) What is going to have this woman show up is making a choice to have her show up. You know the people who talk about something they want to do or have, and the next thing you know they have what they said they wanted? These people may not know it but they are actually making a choice to have that in their life. They are not desiring and fantasizing about it, they are choosing it. When you have been wanting something for a long time and you don't have it, you are pushing it away from you because you are stuck in the fantasy rather then choosing it in reality. Back to the example of the woman you want in your life... see yourself having her and what that would feel like, and feel that way now. If you can't feel what it would be like to be with her in this moment when you don't have her, you have something in the way to choosing her in reality. This is what keeps people unhappy for their whole lives. They think that once they have X they will be happy, complete, satisfied, fulfilled, etc. X will come when you are happy, complete, satisfied, and fulfilled without it. Once you choose to have what you want, say the woman above for example, then you must surrender to the choice you made of having her in your life. There may be various voices that arise in your head saying really fabulously empowering things like you don't deserve that or you won't ever have that. Thank the voice for sharing and stick with your choice to have her. This requires surrendering to your choice. Simply trusting she will show up creates the space for her to show up... especially if your little voice starts chattering and you don't give it your power the way you normally do. Then you can use that power toward surrendering to your choice, instead of investing in not having what you want. Any attachment will repel what you chose. When you surrender to the choice you are open to her coming to you in ways you might not even think of. For example you might meet this woman on the street as you are walking into the bank, in line at the grocery store, on the internet, a friend could introduce you, you might even already know her, or some other way. When you start getting ideas in your head of where she will come from or who she is you limit yourself and that energy stops the creation. If you really really like a particular person, be open to having someone like them, could be them but doesn't have to be. Whatever resistance you have come up to this process of choosing and surrendering to what you chose is simply a block to you actualizing what you want in reality. You can get past it. It will take giving up a story or a view you have about yourself or about life. Sometimes this feels like it's life threatening. It is... to your limiting belief. Not to you.

Start to notice the things you tell yourself and how it manifests in your life. Best of luck.

Jamie

Reactions

Emotional reactions are another interesting phenomenon. When you have experiences in life you have emotions that get linked to those experiences without your knowing it. You are like a juke box, you push B-14 and this particular reaction happens. For example if your Mom said you never did anything right when you were growing up and someone gives you an offhanded comment about how you should redo something at work, you might have an automatic emotional reaction of shame or embarrassment or something else come up. The emotional reaction that came up has nothing to do with what just happened, that particular feedback just happened to hit B-14. Next time you have a major reaction to something or someone notice what you are really reacting to... it will usually be something, someone, a situation, or an emotion you internalized from the past. This because our ego (fitering system that doesn't let new data in) thinks it'd dangerous if new feedback comes in that does not fit in the current mold, when in fact that new feedback might be what has us make the change we have been wanting to make. Everything is feedback. It's all just information that we can take in to serve us or filter through our system so that we never even get the information for what it was. The ego thinks this is the way to protect you from the enemy which is changing the behavior that may or may not be serving you.

All there is to do with this is notice how automatic your reactions are and ask yourself what you are defending.

Jamie

Emotions that run your life

I see lots of my clients resist particular emotions such as anger, sadness, shame, and pain. This is totally normal and human in every way. You are not designed to like or want to have what we refer to as negative emotions. However, whatever emotions you resist are the ones that run your life, and you can only have as much joy, peace, pleasure, freedom, and confidence as you are willing to have their opposites. Think about if you were flying in an airplane and outside one side is the positive and outside the other side is the negative. Many people tend to look out the positive side and take in all that information while missing all the information on the negative side because it’s uncomfortable. How would this effect the flight pattern of the plane if it only had half the information it needed to stay on track? It effects you the same way. If you only see half of whats available, which makes your view, choices, and experience limited. Whenever you feel something fully it stops, but human beings don't want to feel it fully so we self-medicate and find ways to deny and hide what we are feeling such that, after a while we have no idea it's there.

Love,
Jamie

Unconscious Boring Texting

Be aware of how much you text a girl you are interested in. If she is not texting you as much as you are her, she probably has more going on then you which is a recipe for disaster. Considering most women love their phone and texting and talking on it all the time, so if she is only responding to every other text you send that is not a good sign. I don't believe is specific rules like text her every third time she texts you because that's not natural and she may think you are not interested and lose interest. If you are concious of what you are doing and the energy you are getting back there shouldn't be a problem. The problem is when you are always texting her because you are bored or you want validation. It comes accross as someone who doesn't have a lot going on, and what woman wants that? Of course it's nice to get a sweet or funny text to know someone is thinking about you or wants to hang out, so don't stop doing that. Take a look at your intention before you send it. Now to deal with boring texting... spice it up a little! I was talking with a couple friends about guys who always send the same old thing so we always know what to expect. Borrring! Be creative and fun to keep it interesting. It will set you apart from all the other guys who practice boring unconcious texting.